Written by Tad in almost daily blog entries for one year...
JANUARY -- "Baby New Year", welcome to the blog's second year, ice-skating lessons from sister Sophie, Jenny Bachman's friend Dave the pro skater, getting a bloody nose skating into a wall, Christmas tree in the trash, candy-cane throat stabbing, cartoon animals wearing white gloves, haikus, "you are what you eat", Sunday morning piano lessons, composing music is easy, "Elks Lodge", Ursa Major looks nothing like a bear, lefty scissors, Mr. Fitzhoff the piano teacher, annoying Mom with Mary Had a Little Lamb
FEBRUARY -- 8th-grade semiformal dance, Groundhog Day, "please", Mom returns Zombie Artillery, "Asphyxiation Under the Sea", asking girls to the dance, square peg in a round hole, Valentine's Day, disgusting box of chocolates, semiformal, dance practice at the dance with Varya, messing up in the bathroom, ditching Varya and the dance, the diarrhea excuse, blizzard Scrabble, William Henry Harrison, winning the spelling bee and going to regionals, pressure to win from the principal, first to lose
MARCH -- fortune cookies, grocery store coupons, TV chef shows, Shamrock Shakes, 14th birthday, Mom's hand-me-down cellphone, Chewbacca ringtone, texting without a texting plan, CPR, green hamburgers, loss of computer privileges, pointless mall Easter Bunnies, literal Two and a Half Men, there is no Easter Bunny, booger Peeps
APRIL -- April Fools pants-wetting, blackmailed to appear in school play Our Town, got the starring role of George, kissing a girl in the play, jealous boyfriend, boy actors being replaced by girls, snowflakes, scientific names for dinosaurs, Tad becomes last boy in the play, dress rehearsal kiss, stomach flu takes him out, Take Your Sons and Daughters to Work Day, Dad's boss' kid is a terror, Head & Shoulders shampoo, school bathroom soap dispensers, punishing pickpockets, semicolon shape, haircut
MAY -- Alpha-Bits swear words, homeroom girl and the need for glasses to impress her, fire drill, educational theme park work sucks, mailman, fantasy baseball, time capsule toothpaste, winning at tag, burying a tuna fish sandwich in the time capsule, twins, the Alien and Sedition Acts, library book fines
JUNE -- in case of emergency break glass, optical illusion, Grandma Judy's planned visit, scientists had it easier in the past, borrowing a chewed-up pencil, final exams, preparing for Grandma's arrival, big enough to ride the rides at Wombat World amusement park,accidentally using the
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guest soaps, middle-school graduation ceremony, "Persistence", rude Grandma Judy arrives, Grandma announces her marriage plans in August, Finland, late summer job search, Mom's work at the nursing home, golf caddy job didn't work, hot chocolate stand, babysitting, guy in a Scooby-Doo dog suit, expensive Popsicle stain
JULY -- mosquito bites, Fourth of July, bagging groceries, two-minute late lecture from boss, team player, Noah's Ark and the fish, Doctor Pepper, recognizing the school guidance counselor at the store and bagging his groceries, crazy coupon lady is Mom, helping with a baby shower, cleaning instead of bagging, party store storks and babies, mistaking guest for the pregnant lady, background music at the grocery store on loop, Minecraft, boring golf, nightmares involving bagging, quitting the bagging job, Cinderella's shoe size
AUGUST -- flying to Florida for Grandma's wedding, family arrives, jerk triplet cousins, "Buttonhead!", shrunken wool suit, "Ladypants", sitting next to a nervous flyer on the trip home, no holidays in August, Summer Olympics shot-put, walking the neighbor's dog, ticket for not picking up dog poop, firemen, in charge of cooking dinners for a week, cooked chicken disaster, undercooked giant meatballs, too much salt, cleaning butternut squash off the walls, pizza instead of PB and J, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, rotten banana, throw pillows, runny nose in zero gravity, Uranus, elephant trunk
SEPTEMBER -- stocking up on school supplies, compass, Labor Day, first day of high school, swimming pool prank, bottom locker below popular girl's, Teddy Grahams, repelling girls superpower, monkey typing Shakespeare, kill two birds with one stone, lieutenant governor, the butterfly effect, anteaters, pound sign #, shark mascot tryouts announced, mouse trains, forest for the trees, growling shark, getting the mascot job and training, downsides of a shark costume, planned date with Megan - the dolphin mascot
OCTOBER -- loaf of toast, distracted by the whole date thing, appendicitis - not butterflies, Megan visits Tad in the hospital, Superman's hearing, date plans, thinks he has a girlfriend now, over-texting and boring phone calls from Megan, she breaks up with a relieved Tad in a text, skipping the amateur-magician guidance counselor's assembly backfires, Halloween, pumpkins, candy corn, trick-or-treating the good homes twice
NOVEMBER -- the penny before Lincoln, substitute geometry teacher not tricked by name change, No. 2 pencil, substitute becomes permanent teacher, Tad sees her with the biology teacher - not realizing it's a date, Tad tells her the biology teacher is also friends with the school nurse, cleaning worm trays in biology class, raking leaves, buckles on pilgrim hats, toy sold separately, orchestra triangle players, freezer holding Thanksgiving turkey unplugged, plans for dinner with Mom's friend, seitan vegan meal, leaving early to make some turkey sandwiches
DECEMBER -- model UN is not made up of models, dropping hints for computer gaming system Christmas present, celebrity impressions for the talent show, bagpipes, impressions of the teachers win detention, doing a bully's geometry homework, gingerbread house, staying home sick and missing the geometry test the bully was going to copy, Mom and Dad are having a baby, Christmas morning games for the system he doesn't own, ultrasound, mentally preparing to share a room with a baby brother, Dad offers the old rec room downstairs, standing up to the bully
"A portion of the text from this book was originally published in MAD Magazine."
